momentary style.

2009-09-20T05:21:00.001-07:00

thought I'd come back here a while.

things have been like a haze. wandering in and out of a fog called life. confusing, turning, spiralling, yet it seems like I'm moving forward. somehow.

I felt quite lost for some time, actually. like an aimless jellyfish. it's kind of strange to look around and see people mugging like study while you yourself just stands there, stones, sleeps, and studies just a little bit. it is scary also. teachers have taken to complimenting me once in a while, but my security is still nonexistant. I don't really trust anyone still. my heart lies elsewhere, whenever I'm in school.

deleting a certain part...well, in case people come and find me. if the damage has been done, let it be, but...whatever. I know what to believe. and I'll find answers when they really exist. thanks, xinyi. for the warning and for the advice aha.

lately been feeling empty. a hollow shell. I know not why I exist, but yet I do. it is not a well-described feeling. then again if one were to read all my previous blog entries, even my deleted ones, it might be possible to see it. today I feel a bit better, thanks to numerous efforts from a small number of individuals whom I shan't name but know who they are - I am grateful. even if I must do my work to give myself a sense of purpose it has to be done, I suppose.

my soul's container is an empty one. like as if someone opened, and let it all wash away...but with it comes a unique sense of peace, serenity beyond comprehension, and a growing sense of hope that eventually, there will be a future.

2009-08-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Tireeeeed.

This whole week has kind of been a nutcase. I haven't really been completely successful in doing my revision for my promotional exams due to the way projects are demanding my attention while at the same time my attention span this week has been all-time low. I keep thinking I owe the school library a library book only to suddenly remember that I returned said book kljdlkjdlakj days ago. Ah.

Workload kind of is unstable, like that of a sin/cos curve? Sometimes during week As I have nothing to do/average workload, while on week Bs I'm drowning under pressure and all. It really stinks but hey there isn't much of a choice for now.

I still have yet to buy Psycho Busters book 6 and 7(end) in CL. kjalkj goes to show how much I've forgotten my life much right. Not to mention my pencil lead just ran out, my pens run out of ink at amazing speeds, same goes for my phonecard and ez-link card... My financial statement is completely out of date, hence which my dad will kill me for eventually.

My art levels are currently stagnated as well. I can't do much really, which is saddening but I'm slowly getting my ass off the ground to start working on competitions. ...one too many, I might add XD;

Oh well, see you. I'm tired after today's long day in school from 7.30am to 6pm, and then the netball thing with a super late dinner that resulted me in reaching home at 10pm. Aha. Well, g'nights, all you readers.

2009-08-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have mixed feelings for the latest...group project thing.

I feel like I've been insulted directly and indirectly too much lately. Ah, should really do something about it before my malicious side decides to seize the reins and hurt someone and myself too much, ey...

I keep trying, yet it irritates me greatly that I just cannot get it their way. Why not my way?

And lastly, a little WIP

Teehee.

2009-08-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

...Ah.

It feels like forever since I bothered to search for terms in homework that I didn't understand so that I would understand it. Lesse, weathering...

Anyway.

I've finally bothered to settle down, after this long break. I completely wasted the past two/three days, really - went out, took my time, slacked around, played one too many games of basketball to kick myself in the head and state that I'm not one for ball games unless lots of training is put in so - okay that aside, yes. Slacked around a lot. I told myself I'd study, but no, I took hold of the DS, drew on photoshop/SAI, and did lots of other stuff so I'm pretty guilty about now.

Because I had a goal to study during this weekend.

I am rather disappointed in myself. Hence, in a bid to make sure I really study during the day and work more, I'm going to try making myself sleep at 11PM every night. At worst, 11.15PM I'll close shop and sleep by 11.30PM. Someone told me I looked like I really was lacking in sleep after seeing me on Friday, after several months of not seeing each other due to work-related issues. He also said I looked rather mature, rofl whut. Can't help it if I look like an old woman too easily, what with the pervasiveness of this world and all. Lots of stress and need to mature quickly if I am to get through all the crap that is hurled at me.

Subjects-wise, I'm beginning on geography and chemistry first. I will salvage those two, no matter what, because...well, the begin with, geography is one of the few things I can say I'm interested to continue studying for in this world, and chemistry...well, I like chemicals and all - the colours, you know. Maths is just down to the work table again, while art...well, now that requires some deeper thinking. Or lots of deeper thinking. Right.

I'll be off to bed about now. Cracked enough for art, read a bit of Chinese, will finish summary tomorrow morning, read up on geography tomorrow and an essay for gp as well.

I told myself I won't be too bothered by social nuances anymore. Let it come as it has, go as it will. This was how it has worked, and until now, still does. Let's do this, self.

Hwighting!

2009-08-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

A short narrative. I used to love coming up with stories, and now, because GP doesn't allow creative writing, I guess I'll do some here once in a while.

"I sat there and waited, but you never turned back."

The wind scattered leaves in its wake. Silently, she watched the backs of people turn away, as her hair gently rose with the breeze. The images of those people gradually disappeared, a reminder that it was only a memory.

A faint one, but nevertheless a painful one.

Why did people seek to fit into those crowds? Did it make any sense? In the end, wasn't everyone going to die alone, in that wooden coffin? Her questions hung in the air as she gradually strode away, in the opposite direction of the memory that walked.

Children and their laughter, cries and screams floated her way as a ball flew past her head. Narrowing her eyes at the culprit, she distinctly frowned before picking up the ball, and hurling it back hard. The kid quickly picked up the ball, only to drop it, kick it towards his friends and head in her direction. She didn't bother about the kid trailing behind her until he had followed her until the nearby stairwell.

"What do you want?" She glared at the young boy, probably half her age.

The child stayed silent for a few seconds, as if pondering what to exactly say before opening his mouth.

"You looked sad. And upset. And, um, angry..."

"...Well, what concern is that of yours?"

"Um...my mama...my mama once told me I should help people who look sad and upset and angry and...and..." his childish voice trailed off into the distance as he looked at his shoes. Evidently having forgotten exactly what he had intended to say.

She was getting amused by the young boy's attempt to try and cheer her up. Whoever who had taught this brat such values was either crazy or sweet - seriously, a kid doing this was probably the easiest target ever. But that wasn't the point now, was it?

"Well , what are you doing to do, then?" A raised eyebrow.

"Um...uh, make you smile!" Determined look.

"...I'm afraid it won't be that easy, hey." A tilt of the head.

"B-But but surely a smile, um, I can do that!" Beginning to flail.

"Well, go on and try then." She took a seat on the stairs, and watched him. He gave a bewildered look, turned away and stared at the greenery for a while, before running off.

He had given up? The thought floated about her mind as she sat at the stairwell for several minutes, before getting up to brush off some invisible dust off her pants. Ah, just another person who had walked out on her again, eh...

But just as she had walked a metre away, she heard the pounding of footsteps, the squeaking sound of shoes on cement and the laboured breathing of a child. Now it was her turn to be a little surprised as she turned and faced a bunch of wildflowers pushed towards her.

"H-Here! Um, I don't know if you really like flowers, but I thought you might like them because...um..."

"Because...?" She cautiously took hold of the wildflowers from the quivering hand, noting the bruises that trailed along his arm.

"...b-because whenever you're outside, you keep l-looking at the flowers, and then you never move at all..."

"...You noticed?"

"Um, um, yes..."

A mere boy had noticed what she had been looking at for so long, that she herself had not realised until today. Flowers, of all things...She rumpled his hair, before squatting down to give a small, weak smile.

"There, I've smil-"

"Yay, you've smiled! Yay, mum, I did it!" The boy interrupted her before she could finish her sentence, and she couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Look, mum, I did it - I made someone smile, just like what you wanted..."

Then she noticed that the young boy was talking to the air above him, as the thought struck her about his mum and where she was.

She immediately thanked the boy, bought him some sweets before rushing off to somewhere, flowers in hand.

Upon reaching the place, the nostalgia hit her in the face, as her facade began to crack again.

"Look, flower man, some kid...just did it. He made me smile the same way you did. The same way you did after everyone but you left me, the same way you did on your bed...and the same way you did in that white box." She laid the flowers against the white stone, and then sat down next to it, in the field of many tombstones under the clear sky.

"Do you remember? How bittersweet it was. But...as you told me."

"Life's like that - in a passing flash, things change. People come and go. So...treasure every moment you have."

2009-08-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

I'm only posting because I think I'm on a (temp) sugar high and have assignments that I can zip through
won merit at istana art comp! yay!
b-but that's only $50 thank goodness the school ain't taking anything.
weeee.
okay that's enough for now time to get off the laptop and actually do some homework and revision before an early night if possible haha.
...jkdhajkh did I ever mention how much I miss drinking milk tea with fruit jelly *feels like drawing a picture on something like that butbut LATER WORK NAO* haha.

2009-08-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well, internet was down for the past half a week. Tis horrendous. Couldn't do much since some work was uploaded online, resorted to using school's server everyday despite lame website bans and stuff. Lecture tests this week were a pain, but there's still more to come, argh.

Ah, I'm kind of...worried, I suppose. I have that competition in another...less than 10 hours. I should be sleeping soon, but I have this desire to get the feeling off my chest. Not just because the nervousness of having to paint in public since I'll suck and all that - tried to paint today and over-exceeded, not to mention that it looked horrible - plus a lot of other factors. I don't feel like turning up tomorrow, actually. Which is rare. Which can only mean that I have utterly no confidence in myself, heh...

I wonder if you sometimes still love me. It's kind of weird, yeah, but sometimes I don't feel it. Maybe it's because I'm not loving you enough either. Which makes me at fault here pretty much since I started this whole thing. Aha. How sucky can I be? So insecure...I want to hold you, so much so that the desire seriously blows out my mind. But I told myself to keep waiting, hoping and trying for the chance to see you face to face and finally have the courage to say it to you those words out loud. A ring represents a circle, the infinite circle - full of possibilities that we are unaware of. Promises we made.

I don't know if I can hold out these feelings forever, and that...scares and worries me a little. I know I can be rather lacking of patience occasionally, yet be the most enduring person anyone might know. I can only hope that you can wait for me and not be taken away by someone before then.

Feelings? What drives them? The innate need to be satisfied - an eternity of what? who defines them? We ourselves, or the people who have gradually imprinted their ideas of feelings unto us in time? A simple musing.

Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the memories drown you in your sorrows, child.

2009-07-26T04:37:00.000-07:00

wheee I'M ON HIATUS EVERYWHERE

okay maybe not.

...er.

okay I'll be posting here once a week at most, once a month at least from now. I'mma limiting myself.

Time to work off those dust mites from the brain and screw it up right, heh...

2009-07-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

60% of Nex mall at Serangoon Central leased out

Channel NewsAsia - Friday, July 24

SINGAPORE: The upcoming suburban mall Nex located at Serangoon Central has leased 60 per cent of its lettable space.

Its developer Gold Ridge said retailers like Isetan, Courts and Challenger are among its key tenants.

Gold Ridge added that Isetan has secured a 53,000—square foot space, spanning three floors. This will be Isetan’s first new department store in Singapore since 1995.

Another first, the developer said supermarket chains Cold Storage and Fairprice Xtra will be housed together under the same roof.

The six—storey mall will also have a wide variety of F&B and entertainment options.

To be developed at a cost of S$1.3 billion, Nex will be ready by the end of next year. — CNA/vm

...oh sweet, so much stuff in a mall just 10-15 minutes walk away?

Awesome shizz that's worth staying for a while, I suppose.

2009-07-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

...basically here overtime again, sure to sleep in class tomorrow oh lulz. It's kind of funny how I completely am knocked out for around 75% of class time eg. 45 minutes for an hour tutorial, and then the remaining time I'm like...back to fully charged. wtfh? fail like srs haha. thankfully I finished most/all of my assignments due this week the week before so I didn't have to chiong too much homework, haha! can rest and actually study for tests one/1.5 weeks before it.

next week, chemistry and maths lecture test! The whole week generally is packed again. Which means late nights rushing studies, homework and the like...ah, how delightful in the most sarcastic form. cip for art, dialogue session if selected...idk.

hiatus on lj nao, so hiatus as much as possible everywhere. orz lolol tireeeeed i think I'm turning nocturnal day by day rofl.

2009-07-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

今日、私は従来の日本の菓子を食べます。すばらしね　♥

Today, I ate a traditional Japanese sweet. It was wonderful ♥

2009-07-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

...Ah, I'm so tired ey.

I kept falling asleep almost everywhere today. Couldn't help it, lessons were dull, was feeling pissy and all after getting back geography and bloody heck I barely failed. I love geography so this came as a blow but argh. This sucks. I'm...intending of taking a major hiatus again on any communities I'm on like what I did for 'O's, but we'll see. Perhaps by the next week, so that I can wrap a few things up first.

Been sleeping at 1AM the past few nights. It explains why I keep sleeping in school but whatever. Thing is that I've finally been able to finish homework at a decent pace compared to before. And I need to do my homework cause on weekends I need to break or have a zillion and one activities that occupy me for the whole day. Meh.

Been making myself train my sit-ups at the same time as well, everyday, once everyone has gone to sleep I do 25 situps and then rest before attempting again. I just need to upgrade one stupid item to pass my PE...? What. Hopefully I can ask the teacher to upgrade my sit-and-reach and some others also, because I just found out I only need 1-2cm to get a higher grade lol.

Anyway! Off to relax a tiny bit by reading some manga before I sleep.

just a recuperative measure.

2009-07-13T04:24:00.000-07:00

a letter to: self

Hello self! you know that you're very stressed when you start writing to yourself like this. What happened? I know, school sure sucks. So many things have happened lately, haven't they? It doesn't help that people aren't very helpful sometimes and tend to aggravate things unnecessarily. Plus you're too sensitive.

Your grades right now aren't very pleasing, are they? Even though some are good, but most are bad. I know it's slowly driving you nuts as to why you're starting to fail and all that flunk, but I'm sure you know why. It's just a matter of accepting the issue and moving on. You don't have to lose your soul to be better, and you know it. Your soul's the only thing keeping you human and arty farty, so all the more don't lose it. I mean, the continuous falling dream was scary enough a few years back - you don't want that again do you? Aha.

Regarding people...well, people are people. There are those who will make you happy and laugh - be it a good or bad thing - and they really mean it in the best of your interests. It's hard to find such people in the environment you're in, since it is highly competitive and I'm pretty sure almost everyone likes stepping on others' heads so that they can be considered better. You know that you yourself tend to be like that as well. So...you yourself know you have no right to say 'I want to be top!!!111!1!!1!1' and then boast. You know it's mean, very much so. But now you know the feeling, right?

Also, the people whom you don't know whether to feel close to or not - I suppose it'll take some time? I know, you're feeling rather sick and jealous and upset and angry at some, but you know yourself that you shouldn't feel such feelings but feel happy for them. Well, you can mentally berate yourself for feeling such bad feelings, but don't keep it up. It's not nice to stick another sword into your heart when you've been knifed a number of times indirectly by others. Take it into your stride. You've learnt well enough that perfection isn't really possible in this world - because you've been so high up there you suddenly lose your meaning to exist, and then it's not perfect again.

Speaking about your meaning to exist...don't take others too much into heart. I know yesterday felt a bit horrible because they forgot you somehow and it was really really disappointing after an absence of three weeks, but...yeah. Partially it's your own fault for blending too much into the background. Yes, I know you like your 'hermit-times~' and all that crap about being an emo or anti-socialite, but you can't overdo that. In a way, accept the fact that yes, you are plain - but so what? Maybe I'm not interesting to them but who really cares? There are people who see me as I am and don't require me to change too much to be seen. The feeling of being invisible hurts alot - and you've clearly experienced that often enough in your life to count beyond your ten fingers. Maybe the toes as well, but that's not the point.

Be strong. You're still learning to love yourself more, right? Today's after-school random exercise session was an example of how you've clearly yet to learn that - fancy cutting yourself with the ring while overdoing the monkey bars and pulls ups. So now you could say that the ring has gone through blood, sweat and tears with you! Aha. But really - hurting yourself isn't worth it. Come on, you're ugly enough, do you want to make yourself even more ugly?! Pfft.

Stay kind, don't disappear completely and forget that people like yourself do exist for a reason. Even though many people seem to forget you're there, just...try to assert yourself once in a while. You don't have to stand out super outstandingly like many people you know, but you can b the silent helper that you've always been, helping others. Even fi others like to indirectly hurt you, leave it be. Your tolerance and patience has brought you a long way, don't let years of effort crumble down in a day.

Don't lose your art streak as well! I know you're clearly in a very bad art block - even drawing basic manga on paper looks like a pain - but it'll fade away soon enough. You've had a knack for it. Even if everyone else is...standing and shining out more than you are now, let yourself decide at the pace you'll work at (unless the education system demands something else which you cannot deny, of course) and what you really want to do. Don't do things so half-heartedly too. The SLA competition was a lousy piece of work, I'll tell you that flat out. You know that too, don't you? The UOB work...well, partially it's your own fault too, ey, for thinking things in ways that people won't necessarily understand. Heh. The money doesn't matter too much - what matters is that the idea you chose, was filled with the best level of inspiration and awesomeness that you wanted it to be like how 'Soul Millionaire' was done late last year.

Look, don't be lazy, alright? Right now you must, must prioritise your studies. Then you're self-learning the violin also. And not to mention your own photoshop skills and icons and colourings and digital stuff. Your relationships as well - oh, your relationships!

My goodness, you have to hold onto that person tightly. Don't let that person drift away, don't push that person away - because you know you're one of that person's few lifelines, even though that person might think that you're that person's only lifeline currently. Don't ever force your ideas as well. And oh, for the love of everything - don't be jealous or whatever over a game, or some roleplay seriously! You're 17 now, you're one more year to being considered a young adult and you know that clearly! Grow up in that thinking and accept that people need space, and well...when the time comes to part, you'll have to accept it if that person wants it. If that person doesn't want to break...well, ain't that the good ending? Though it might complicate some things aha.

Well then, I think I ought to go - I have work to do. Don't you too have work to do? Get moving, young lady! Life's waiting for you to crap it out, work it out, live it out. As a final note: all work and no play makes you a dull kid! Heh.

yours sincerely,
yourself, kelly.

2009-07-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

Look for some hope in every face that has a vacant stare
The shadows come but no one seems to care
And darkness floods every light that could promise change
She falls down to sleep when the blood is stained
The blood is pain
So where I know that I'm not all alone
This pain and breath I hold my lungs want to explode

- The All-American Rejects: Real World

2009-07-08T03:41:00.000-07:00

...I just want to roll around, curl up in a corner and die...

...cripes, I'm tired. Is it just me or does it seem like all the events in July are occupying all my weekends? I'm having a lot less sleep also.

Just. so. tired. mentally. Not physically. which is weird considering the fact that I've been sleeping for less than 4 hours a day since the start of this week fffffffff ah I feel like puking out blood yes I can't go nuts I can't go nuts even though I'm starting to fail so many things I can't I can't nnngh.

...now I'm thankful I didn't get any high posts in any CCA because I'm slowly beginning to lose my mind aha...

somebody save me from this place
I just want to fly away and never come back

2009-07-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

a little random shot.

Now, cooking that little sausage was a fun experience hahaha.

Next - bento boxxxxxx.

2009-07-06T04:30:00.000-07:00

...wrrrry summer school wrrrry did you just start there it would have been awesome like whoa to go wrrrry ;A;

...and if you're wondering what I'm talking about, it's about an international summer school somewhere far, far away...frag, I wish I could go.

...but I might go next year. If it's okay, and I figure some way for me to get there lulz. Do want.

...and I was successful in boiling sausages shaped like octopi! Woohoo~

2009-07-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I want to say, shopping, window or whatever, seriously, sucks.

It's nice to see nice clothing. It's not nice when you can buy them.

It's horrible when you feel that you'll look ugly in them even though the clothes look beautiful.

Meh.

That's why I prefer shiny accessories only.

Anyway.

I still have work to do even though the exams are over. Typical. GP essays and compre, art prep boards, maths tutorial, PW...I don't feel like doing any, oh shit.

Been gaming like crazy the past two days. KH: Day 77 to Day 119. Pleased with the progress, but it's distracting me from doing my work properly arrr. Slacking also. Eating much more. Ugh.

...and can someone explain to me why am I searching about bento boxes and not about my essay, my artwork, or my PW topic?

2009-06-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was getting sick of staring at chemistry for the past few hours. I studied art till early noon in the morning. And by now I was dying. Mentally speaking.

Stoned for a few minutes at the table. Took out KH artbook I bought early this year at kino, stared to hopefully get inspiration. Nothing. Talk about sad ha.

Slowly took out the envelope from the mass of papers, took out the letter...and just smiled quietly as I read it. It was just a few months back, yet, it felt like it was so long ago. It looked so simple then, as I read it, listening to the living room in case anyone walked in.

I never knew then how, simply put, complicated you could be yet endear me so. It often felt like a rollercoaster ride - and mind you I've never sat one before - yet sometimes, you would come and pull me along, lead the way. That's what you did for me. Maybe I never told you, but you opened my door, my eyes and reminded me I had a dream once. Made me went to chase that dream, fulfill it, make my way to you and hold you.

Now, it's my turn. I'll just keep holding you. I won't let you fall. Until I can grasp your dream for you again, lead you to it, and even though you might not believe it, until you have your faith and hope and confidence and courage again, I'll be here. Moving, supporting you along.

This is my promise. I hope you won't push me away, hate me, and all. In the same exact words you wrote to me months ago, I love you for who you are.

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away.

Now I'm waiting here
Been waiting here.

2009-06-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

First, a little intriguing text to start off with.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Taken from here, elder brother's blog hahaha.

I think the above passage applies to many guys I know. Though we aren't of age to drink and crap so much, but having so many guy-best-friends this is really really the best text I've ever read that is all about you guys.

Right, next - long pictorial post! Run for your lives, cable internets.

2009-06-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

I have a headache and it's too hot here argh

I wanted to do PW but ended up working on commission that I'm not sure if I really want to do it

I still have requests to colour and I saved some more pretty pages what

and plus I have new sweets to share for the new school term a week away lmao

which is also exam week

and so I'm lulzy

I just learnt how to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the violin too hoho

it's very wobbly and a bit screechy but yay I did it haha

well got to go draw somemore

destress a little more

and then back to studying by tonight haha

2009-06-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

double post! I don't care because...I like this quote, in a...sad way, I guess.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

- Neil Gaiman

All so true.

I just hope the last part doesn't happen anytime soon.

I'm afraid of that, right now, the most as I glance at what my finger wears...

2009-06-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

-Anon.

I'm quite drained out, this week. There's been one too many events going on, and ha, my wallet suffers too. It's quite pathetic, really - right now I'm surviving on...what, chocolate pies? lmao. It's funny, since I like eating them, but this is going ridiculous again. Serves me right. Anyway.

Monday - sushi lunch. Om nom nom. Met up with Jh, J-men and Arnold at YCK MRT before heading to Nihon Mura, and hah, ate lots of sushi. Had that Enoki Bacon thing too. And now I'm tempted to draw sushi-cute thingums for some reason. Vector-kinds. Um. Anyway, chit-chatting and then back to school for a short while to paint.

Tuesday - back to school to study with MK. idk I seriously think my studying rate is horrendous. I've only covered a bit from my POV - but I'm pretty sure I can squeeze in somehow. Most of my memory is still intact of all the lessons before the June hols, so yeah I should be okaaaay...um maybe. Must chiong! Tomorrow night and every night when I can!

Wednesday - swimming in the morning with secondary school friends again! Went to Jurong East Swimming Complex, swam a bit, tried to teach someone how to swim, played a bit, haha. It was awesome - other than the fact that I was the only girl eyyy - and I got well...quite sunbunt. ot to mention that I'm itching quite badly now and my mum suspects that the water in the pool was dirty. Ugh. Had lunch with a bigger group after that and chatted a bit, but...well, for some strange reason kept to myself a bit more. Didn't feel like talking much - because well, since others are already complaining so much I guess I'd rather not add to the mix which is loud enough haha.

Today - djlakjdalkj chiong for painting! omfg the teacher is coming back tomorrow BYE GAIZ I WON'T SEE YOU ALL AFTER TOMORROW YEAH - maybe. I think everyone in art is preparing to die tomorrow when the teacher comes back. gghf. tomorrow's also the last day. I think I'm going to die trying to finish it though almost everyone says it looks almost done etc. And I think mine is boring. Like...nobody will want to see it. It's...so typical a situation blah. So what about the painting techniques - people paint better rar - and so what about the tones and shading and contrast and etc omfg I seriously suck hahahaha. Low confidence y/y. Finally scraped clean the palatte a little bit hoho, without cutting a finger! yaaaaaay.

I'm off to plan titles and the statement. I'm probably screwed much. Sigh.

I'll be back with a mini pic here, since I've...had a few pictures/ideas/characters in mind for a while. Aha.

2009-06-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

....aaaah my fail studying rate is fail.

art is draining my life. work is draining my life. my hobbies eg. drawing/writing/typing/reading are sucking my time.

....aaaah I'm trying to manage the setup of my laptop also

hahaha I only have tomorrow to study this whole week wtfh lol

I'm tired, sick, jealous, irritated, amused, sarcastic, moronic, screwed, bored.

...and rar. despo srs. I can't believe I found a handy site haha. I suppose I'll have to use it like siao since I have no leadership position and have to do CIP! lol. whoever wants msn me, I'll tell you haha. should be quite useful bah.

time to chiong PW, chem and everything else. CL, here I come tomorrow as well.

2009-06-12T04:13:00.000-07:00

...I am always, always amused by the number of times I am always asked this question when I have a number of guy friends/classmates who ask me for something/etc.

"do you have a boyfriend, is he that one"

You know when you're bored, going insane in art and all when you start thinking about stuff like this and laughing to yourself everyday about it. What gives? Too much turpentine? lmao.

My painting's almost done! yes no. I think I have a lot of touch-up left to do - because I never am able to clear things one-shot sometimes.

I am also very, very tempted to make my own blogskin again...because ngh, knowing that I once was able to code (and can re-learn it to suit to the new code forms) and make blogskins leaves this faint reminder. hahaha.

oh well.

2009-06-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

...when life gives you lemons, they say make lemonade.

...but when life gives you an overload of assignments, personal commitments, worries and fears, so much to say but so little space and time - what do you do?

It's kind of funny how when I was back in secondary school, being a leader wasn't...bad and tiring. So imagine how the average student got away with life. Right now, even though I don't have a post...I'm drained haha. The inverse, reverse logic situation?

...my weeks are so cramp it's getting to insanity - the number of events and things to do? wonderful...

to think that I still have the mood to go and try animation on toon boom studio for that epop thing and try that cool paint program SAI is amazing. idk.

2009-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

...at least it's resolved. temporarily? hopefully fully? I won't know until later. Anyway.

Today, another pictorial post! Let's just say that I had...a v.v. amusing yet irritating day.

2009-06-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm up awake alone, I tend to ponder, to wonder, to doubt and question.

Right now, the strongest question, worry, fear, doubt that stands before me has made me lose my appetite for quite some time now, really - for the rare times in my life I can't taste my food even when I'm well, I feel like nothing really is going in my stomach so it's not worth even eating at all etc. - and also just stop myself from really, doing much productive work other than making notes for exams.

I want to ask so many things. But the very thing is that, do I still mat- and my brain-heart stops me there, refuses to let me think beyond, the infinite possibilities that can be drawn from just two answers.

One of the rare times in life that I ever consider the meaning of what people define as love, insecurity, security, unloved...

I tell myself - it's just me. I'm just paranoid. I'm just stupidly insecure to not trust, just that tiny bit and it creeps up on me like a shadow...

Why is it always so hard to trust?

I've had answers for it before, but not I'm not bringing them up because I don't want to not trust. I...just don't want to.

How much will my heart withstand before I explode and scream for you? I don't want to look desperate anymore.

...this is retarded.

2009-06-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

Just a little something while loading BOF 23 haha.

The nights in Singapore never fail to remind me this place is indeed in the tropical zone, as much as the wind tends to blow at the wrong occasions and cause me a cold.

here, have a pictorial post

2009-06-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

x-posted from my livejournal. heh.

2009-05-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

twotwentysixam. And I am here typing an entry! Ahaa, nuts. But I suppose it's part of being an art student - rushing things...it's not even completed yet here I am crapping. It's been tiring staring at the same colours, getting the lines right and drawing/colouring it out. A pain in the back, neck almost. It's kinda pathetic, really - sometimes I pause and wonder 'Why am I in this situation? Why did I take Art?' Because, really, the time and money I've spent on art-related materials so far, I could have gotten games, a new set of headphones/earphones, more sweets, more...well, lots of things.

Frankly speaking, I myself wonder why so often, hat I haven't found an answer to that, exactly. I could always say 'Oh it's because I love art' or 'because I can't do anything better' or 'econs is boring, physics is crap' (sorry guys who take the following subjs, no offense intended) Truth is that the exact reason is a combination of so many little yet big reasons that all accumulated into me ticking that little checkbox for Art at the beginning of this year, and making the effort to prepare a pretty pathetic (I think it's pathetic because...all I did was print a lot of digital works. the end.) portfolio and then crapping through a painting test haha. I still feel that...some part of me still dislikes art, in the way where people simply creates things based on their own impressions, their own assumptions, which aren't really true based on my convictions.

Then again, how am I to know if my own convictions are true? I've been shot down on too many times for saying lots of wrong stuff, misjudging etc. Right now I could say 'I hate Art', only to change that statement in a few hours time in my mind while painting since I love painting big stuff, like backdrops last time. MY convictions could easily change, and it wouldn't be fair to say too much. Anyway. I think I'm diverting quite far from the original point, ey.

I thought about why I took Art since besides the suffering, people often question me why I take it if they haven't seen me draw/paint/* insert art-related action here*. The other day, while I was passing by the good old game shop in my neighbourhood, the shopkeeper was there as usual, and between talking about getting Pokemon Sapphire at a cheaper price and all we ended up talking about how JC was like eg. hard, tiring, crap, etc. I then mentioned I took art hence my saving-money rate was being ridiculous and fluctuating, so it would be quite some time before I could get the money to purchase what I wanted. Upon hearing this he was quite surprised and said, in Chinese of course, 'Why did you take Art? There's not much money to be earned in art...and then in Singapore only can do interior design (I snorted a bit inside at this remark - mind you, I've heard this many times from so many people it makes me wince and laugh.) so little money to earn la.' I could only shrug and say, 'Got interest, what, so do lor.' The uncle frowned a little and replied then, 'Aiya, such a waste, you smarter one should have done something better...' And again, helpless shrug.

I'm not smart, really, personally considering - I think I've been lucky or the average diligent student trying to exceed her brain capacity constantly like a nutcase. I've seen,heard many people point fingers at me for being a geek/nerd/dork/what-have-you etc. ever since I wore glasses. No, really - once I started wearing glasses, I was labelled one. Maybe when I didn't wear a pair, I didn't fit the look so yeah - alright, that aside, it makes me ponder. Why did I choose to throw away a decent assured future of some science-industry related job to take on the minute possiblity of a art-related job? Like, look, the earning difference - come on, what would you go for if you were running with common sense.

Maybe it's the experiences I've been put through, I've seen and all.

All I know that I don't want to be the same flat, follower like so many other people who mindlessly, unaware that they're following trends. It's funny, but maybe that's all that explains why I took art.

I want to be different. To be seen, to be heard, to be recognised for who I am and not by whose sister I am, whose friend I am, whose whatever. Just me.

...talk about an increasing ego and selfish thoughts. But maybe I should let myself think of this once in a while to help myself get over the fact that I'm constantly carrying people around and letting some trod on my back while holding my temper. Aha.

2009-05-24T02:02:00.000-07:00

...anything with dark chocolate inside it, I will buy! Aha. Bought one packet of dark chocolate M&M and loacker biscuits kekeke.

Trying to think of a new email these few days. Had...quite enough of people making fun of the current email bleargh. Heck, it was made in P4, I was only 10 - what'd ya expect? Seeing how socially incapable I am now, imagine how super-retarded in social senses I was then. Mmmhm, would be interesting to go back and see myself then if I had a time machine...

...right enough dawdling self, as much as you hate that pile of assignments on your table you have no choice but to do. Aha. Woooooork tiem.

2009-05-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

Today was drainage. I'm quite tired, haha! Maybe it's because today was a good and fun day.

Woke up at 7.30am to pack my bag - two bags since one is for art, the other is for the volunteer event. Left the house around 8.15am, reached school around 8.30am. Begun work on the canvas about 9.10am lol. It was kind of...awkward? I felt like I was left hanging most of the time. Frankly speaking maybe it's because the teachers are busy, and I'm used to being ordered around when painting something as big as this. I'm not used to painting like this. Anyway. Rushed off about 11.30am to join my classmates to get on the bus to Lianhua Primary where we had volunteered to help SAA again for its sports competition.

Was in charge of rope-skipping since I did it last time, eyyy. Nearly wasted my voice shouting the commands orz. I dislike shouting, as much as I talk and laugh loudly. Jocelyn, Dewi and Seng Choon were quite happy on their own while I was...sleeping on the chair whenever I could. Yep, I'm drained - today was supposed to be my sleep-in day every week and I missed it again because I had Art. Bleargh. Last week I missed it because...I had something-which-I-forgot. Was pretty much sleepy when I left school around 6pm. Didn't go buy that bubble tea I wanted orz ;;

Came back home, had to do mopping duty since brothers were not around/late and bwah, tired again. Tried to nap on the sofa just now but was unsuccessful thanks to grumpy mum. I'm tired, dangit...I don't feel like doing PW now, but tomorrow butbut it's due monday nngh.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar. I just want to sleep somewhere for a very very long time, but I can't seem to find anywhere where no one will bother me after a while...zzzzz.

2009-05-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

entry is in completely crap english because i do not feel like mentally editing myself along the way ps. super pessimist post, please go if you hate these sort of stuff yay. somemore i post on blog right, i know may seem stupid but in the end if i always don't say anything since my mouth cannot speak properly then must eventually write/type something. this is an emo post, please do not take everything seriously. kekeke, going a bit insane now.

you know what.

i'm quite sick and tired of alot of things right now, haha. maybe it's mood swings, maybe it's just me, maybe it's random, maybe it's a whole lot of uncomprehensionable things, but seriously i'm darn irritated haha. this stupid paperchase society that makes me fear my future so much, since now i'm without a position at all, compared to all my friends who are either in a position, in a sporting cca, in a SYF-performance based cca, in a class/subject rep position, have big confidence to go and chiong a lot so eventually sure will tio position and then there's me, pretty brainless dumb and useless, only know how to complain a lot and do something for people when i can yet people always in the end forget very easily one. haha, stupid me. why do i bother and care for ppl so much? i feel i very stupid sia. today very obvious sometimes too nice is not good one. so many times also like that. i damn damn fan le. what's the point of being kind when 99% of the world doesn't bother? idk. my elder bro said that many years back when my parents kept fighting about the lil bro's grades.

let me wallow in my anger and pain for a while, haha. v.v. irritated. i need to think what to do in the coming months and all. because if i have nothing in that blasted cert by the end of these two years, there's almost no way i can get a scholarship to go overseas and study art and not burden my parents. i don't want to burden them, not when they have my elder brother to support, not when they have my little brother to support...it's too much for them, i know, i can tell, no matter how much they say they have saved it probably won't be enough somehow one. i don't want them to end up mortgaging the house so to get more money. then my father's health also not good, elder bro also, mum getting the pains as she grow older. ahaha so complicated. need to think think and think like what pooh bear does! hahaha lame.

yay pessimistic me yay. wtf sia hahahahahaha. need to go and search for pw stuff, and then go and start on comissions. sigh sigh. dunno if will even be paid hahaha. see la, freebie again. lidat next time sure die one la, i tell myself, but in the end i choose to be like that...i think i seeking early death lmao. weirdo hahahaha. laters, enough emo-ing.

2009-05-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

*dies* My hands...feel swollen, sore, pain, skljalkj every word I can pull out of my mental dictionary that describes pain, and here I am still typing. why? because I still need to think of something for PW, I need to prepare for tomorrow's field trip, I have kjdkljaklj stuff on this computer etc. wrrrry.

I was bored in my head, before I thought upon something that I could use this blog for. I was feeling...ehhhh, thankful? aha, I guess when you're tired after stretching your own canvas, when you've helped people and don't see the same much, you get this sort of feelings to be grateful to those who have been good to you largely. Since...after all, this school, the people - well, some - are very hard to get close to.

Hence...letters to people. I know if I write them down on a piece of paper I'll surely lose it somehow, because of fail STM and fail me, go yes, so if I type it and put it here I'll...probably remember. Aha. It would be nice if the people I were writing to eventually saw this...

Dear ****-san,

How are you? It's been a ridiculously long time since I saw you or even messaged you. The last time I manged to get you on the phone, you sounded fine and dandy - I mean, you were playing WC while chatting to me, what - so yeah. It's been a long time, ey, ever since you left the school. It was quite boring without you, to be honest, but I haven't forgotten anything you did harhar.

All the things you indirectly thought me, they've...well, come in handy somehow. Like, painting big stuff and having patience in painting. I thought I could die painting my first canvas painting, after what some people said indirectly about my work, but then...sitting still, hanging on, that's what you thought me. Tolerance is key? Perhaps, haha.

I haven't forgotten all the weird games and activites we've done and the backdrops we've painted. I haven't mentioned it, but I'm about to start painting my first framed painting ever! I never thought I'd get this far with what began as a tiny dream in my late primary and early secondary school years. I...hope that perhaps, when you can, let us meet up with the others in the club and simply talk and catch up. There's so much that has changed, so much.

I'm really thankful to you for instilling this interest in me, nurturing it (though in the strangest ways possible) through the ever-bothersome painting of backdrops for the school with tight deadlines, letting me lead with lots of pitfalls along the way, and teaching me to accept myself for what I could do and could not. If not for you, I believe that much of my perfectionist personality from my earlier years would have resurfaced and caused a lot more problems than I have now, eyyy. You've let me build up my confidence, given me the support I needed, and someday I hope that I can repay you when I can.

Best of luck, wherever you are! I don't know if you'll ever read this, but anyway...yeah, I'm grateful. If I ever...well, died early out of unfortunate circumstances, this is one letter I'd hope my family/friends would send to you, somehow. Anyway, I'll have to go - I've been lacking of sleep lately, so I should sleep earlier to make up for my tiring day and the lack of sleep. Been worrying too much for lots of people, lots of issues, thinking too much again. Wish that perhaps I could talk to you again, like that time in Sakae haha. That was...inspirational. Right right then...

Yours sincerely,
Kelly.

2009-05-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

...I'm quite tired, yet here I am awake.

Both mentally and physically, I suppose.

I want to do so much, yet...I can only do so, so little.

I hate this feeling of being helpless, unable to change anything.

But this...it doesn't begin with me. It begins when the person is ready.

I don't think it'll be anytime soon, ey...this will be a long, long road...

2009-05-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

74 words

oh lol. anyway. today was...embarassing. some what. I mean, having no cash, going to 7-eleven with the intention to pay something with ez-link card only to find out that the new ez-link card doesn't work and be forced to use nets for $3. fraggit, stupid ads :I

talk about deep broke, lmao.

aha, feel like mass repeating 'I love maths!' like what seng choon did to psycho myself into studying harder. I think cannot one la. always like that one la, me, hehe. gp test today like luan luan crap again. gg hf.

I feel like I also lost something...orz thatisn'tminesomemorediediedie. I think it's the senior's puffed up skirt I borrowed for the cosplay - anyone seen it? D:

very sian sia. maybe study a bit, do some stuff and then go sleep early again. dieeeee omg my church work my cca work my homework all piling up hahaha. can't wait for weekends and chiong everything again. fragging week B sucks! so much bad luck this week also. tiem to die, srs.

did I ever say before that listening to sorry sorry and I'm yours from suju can make one sleepy instead? after a while = droning lmao. faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail. hahah but they're good songs!

...and lulz at my poor English in this post.

tantantantarara

2009-05-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am rather happy enough tonight, I suppose. Today was tiring!

Had to rush art final coursework lol. After lessons (no geography because teacher...gave some lame reason, ANYWAY) got venny to be my model (yay thanks venny! I owe you much, loads, skldjalkj plenty. I'll treat you or something next time haha.) and then took so many shots in one day lmao. Climbed up the stairs from 2nd to 5th floor and down just to consult ms megan, get camera, look for teacher, etc.so lulzy. kill time also. after that went to art lab and photoshopped a bit and tada! yay final. the painting's gonna be big like whoa though, height x width = 103 x 180cm lol.

my thoughts are not very well typed out today. because I cannot be bothered, plus I'm feeling very hot here thanks to hot nights again, and my nose is being irritating haha. sick also still go school haha. I don't think I'll go see a doctor this weekend, anyway. I'm...slightly, slowly recovering. Veeeerrrrry slowly. But I'm not seeing the doctor - at most I'll spam strepsils. Like I did the last time, which was...a few months back? lol.

after all the art stuff (which is by then, 5pm hoho) went for j-fire! yay. talked a bit, laughed a lot, went out for dinner together to parkway parade - which is ridiculously far but anyway - ate mac there then went to eat the snowflake icecream that pres wanted :'D after that came home, chatted alot on the bus about making koftra cosplay whut lolomg.

talked to koftra alot along the way during j-fire outing. found out a number of things, oh lol. primary school makes me laugh so much. when I was the tallest girl of the class and RY was the tallest guy, lmao! we (the girls at my table) were laughing when I told them about koftra and how...much skinnier he is now, pfft lol. then talking here and there about things, finally finally found out what some of the guys might have thought of me as in primary school: big sister(mum, jiahui said, on noes) to the guys LOL. I kinda died laughing at that. but it's cool. I like it eyyy. maybe it happens when you're bossy, you're...taller THEN not NOW, and when you're the only girl to barge into the guy games like beyblade and yugioh and crushgear (oh fail) I was pretty amused much, and it made my night happier? I suppose I was worried about me being bossy so much then till...most of the guys didn't like me as a friend, yeah. I was...pretty giggly when they said that RY was the dad lmaolmao.

well, I think I'll go to sleep soon, after I finish what anime episodes I'm left. Gotta recover, tomorrow going out again (oh crap) to buy oil paints and related material and return vanessa her thumbdrive. yaaaaay talk about taking advantage of holiday to slack moar.

2009-05-03T07:58:00.001-07:00

There are times when I wish I didn't have to feel this way.

There are times when I really wish I could...go back to being invisible, living what I thought I wanted to be when it wasn't, like that 4 years ago.

When I didn't feel much anymore.

Then I wouldn't have to bother.

But then...I wouldn't be here now.

Where I am, among people who I know care for me, doing what I realised I always wanted to do, being who I am, treasuring what I am.

It's kind of weird whenever you look back and then you realise how much you forget things so that you can't remember anything but the slight, bittersweet taste of pain, loneliness and all.

2009-05-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

...wee.

sleeping at 1am or so last night and tonight also.

I'm not sure why I don't feel sleep-deprived much haha. maybe it's because I can sleep till 10am on weekends...

signed up for that crimezero thing in the end. dunno if I'll end up emo-ing on my own. luckily found out classmate also going, so see how it goes haha. I suppose I need what I can get for my cert in two years...

things are changing.

cryptic random post is cryptic. let's just say I have so much I'd like to tell to someone but I'm not sure which one can handle all the shit I handle, haha.

2009-04-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

eeee D.Gray-man's getting exciting eeee BUT WRY HIATUS AGAIN NUOOOOO

Ignore that first line, eyyy - I'm just...musing a little/lot about the series now that finally, finally there's something about Kanda's past, heh. Anyway, speaking of manga~

I finally went for J-fire today! That's the school's Japanese cultural club for non-NYJCians. It was...amusing? Aha. Even though it was a small group and all - it was warm and friendly...it was nice. I like that sort of environment, where...everything's just so free to talk about, almost. It reminded me of my art club in secondary school. Even though I'm not going to possibly have any leadership posts at all at the way I'm going, but I think I'll be satisfied by working on other activities. Shall work hard - I think I like the slackish yet fun environment haha. It feels much more relaxed than art, where...I'm afraid to do a lot of things now. Mmhm.

I'll be off to work on my piece for some competition - I'd like to give it a try, eyyy. It'll help me to...see how I'm doing, mmmhm.

2009-04-23T06:13:00.000-07:00

There are times when I wish I didn't choose to not stand out, be different, be unique, so that I wouldn't have to stick to the shadows and always not be noticed.

Then again, there are prices to pay for such attention. Though...it is not without its benefits. Which was what it was like in secondary school. I...think, in a way, that...I'm both glad yet sad I didn't get any leadership positions so far? Aha. There are many reasons why I'm glad, and why I'm sad. So materialistic, already thinking about SGC...I sigh.

I'm getting quite tired of having to maintain this facade. I don't know how much longer can I just contain these dark feelings without telling anyone or they'll overwhelm me and well...let's just say, feelings can make a day go completely awry. Been there, done that.

I don't know who I can really trust now, in this life where I simply shuffle back and forth school and home, waiting for the next sunrise and sunset everyday. There's that fear that things will cue repeat itself again.

Stupid hot weather at nights. I'm dead sick of waking up all sweaty or with a slightly damp shirt - this is disgusting. Seriously. Eww. Like...ugh.

Okay self time to stop ranting on the weather and get back to PI. Oh, looooovely PI. Super fab, yes? Sarcasm at the max, here we go.

2009-04-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

aaaaah I'm burning up aaaaaaah.

Today's been awfully hot. I mean, just sitting still and I'm sweating already. skdjsakljdlakj not in a very good mood to do homework. craaaap. I tried to take photos for art today, painted a bit, died a bit...yeah, you get the idea. It's too hot, who can focus when you start to sweat merely ten minutes into work!?

Anyway, two days ago it was my birthday, haha. I'm glad it turned out well. Since it's over I won't have much to say about it...but yeah, thanks for the wishes :) I got a few presents - okay actually only 2, but I like the number 2 so yeah lulz - but I liked them. Ahahaha.

Butbut today is...Ryu's birthday! skljlakj I'm sure most of the people who bother reading my blog will go 'eeey? Ryu?' because well, I rarely talk about any guys I like and all, haha. Since I'm a self-labeled geek/otaku/etc. For those who're wondering who this guy is, have a picture! XD;

Ryu/Won Seung Jae from the korean boyband Battle - they've been around for quite some time, hur - I just like this guy more than any other celeb guy I've seen haha. (Truth to be told I've never liked celebs/singer/actors/etc. until this one came along) Wherever he is, ey, happy 22nd birthday! /o/

...just for the fun of it - happy birthday all april babies!

...Man I just hate this weather. skldjakldja it's making me sweat. A lot worse than normal. Normally I'm already trying my hardest to not perspire for many reasons, including due to past conflict, so yeah it's tough but akslj weather you are not helping meee aaaaaaaah. This is insanity skjalkjlakj I WANT SINGAPORE'S AUTUMN TO COME FAAAASTER, FAAAAASTER -

- wait that was my brain cracking up. What heat does to a person, lmao. I think I'll go and read some manga and then do that blasted GP essay...I have no inspiration to do anything besides than rot reading manga, nnngh...ice cream needed >_>

2009-04-09T05:09:00.000-07:00

In...another 7 days, I'll be 17. It's amazing to think that hey, I've lived that long, and I...haven't considered jumping off the cliff like super-seriously-to-the-point-where-I-keep-staring-out-of-windows for a number of years since...a long time ago. Still think that even though I...think some people might think I'm mature and all, I feel there's a lot of things I'm naive at. I wonder how did time pass by so fast? It feels like...a while back since I forced myself to live through the first two years at Beatty emo-ing because I was...doing too much and then survived the last two years at Beatty with rare but awesome memories of people and relationships.

Did I grow up? I ask myself that everyday, whenever I encounter things, feelings, and all. I could answer it easily with a yes, because...I think I really did. It's like...when I read back at all my old journals from primary to secondary and then to now, there's a great divide. Education-wise...duh. Yet...I feel that I'm still socially naive in a way. I can speak for a while before I start eating up my words in front of a group of people; I seriously, seriously, find it hard to talk to girls sometimes for some weird reason (maybe it's because I grew up between two brothers! Whee.) especially when they talk about dramas and all that, because...to be honest, I rarely like those kind of stuff, and if I do it's only because it's really intriguing. And not predictable. Plus I'm more of a computer-photoshop-anime-manga-somethinggoeshere addict than anything.

I wonder if being 17 will change anything.

...on a second thought, maybe not eyy.

Anyway! Today's topic: aspirations, future careers - since geography was...hmmm, cut short due to the lack of material to go through, the teacher talked about career and stuff. It kind of made me think: well, aren't I confused - I love art and geography, but seriously am interested in psychology (I wonder why I'm interested in psychology, really, but when you have to deal with so much junk that enters your life it somehow seems related to you easily). Art therapy fits two of the categories much but geography...I wouldn't mind being a teacher for that. To be honest, when I heard a classmate say he wanted to be a teacher, it...evoked a lot of memories.

Actually I really wanted to be a teacher in my early years, even though not many in the same class/kindergarten group had the same ambition haha. I suppose the thought lost its...flavour when I saw how much crap teachers had to withstand and deal with on an almost everyday basis, unless one was lucky enough to get an awesome bunch of kids to be in charge of everytime (which is basically impossible since if you're good, most of the time you're asked to deal with the kids that are harder to handle.) I personally feel that teachers are amazing though - to cope with the pressures of helping these kids under you to score well and then celebrate with them when they do well; to ,maybe, cry with them when they do badly - it takes a lot. But...I suppose the rewards are awesome. Every single achievement a kid gets in school under you - there's that feeling of satisfaction that one gets when you successfully help someone. And there's the outings, the flowers, the gifts...all that. One can only wonder why I...left the idea behind, though I'm reconsidering again if I should be a teacher next time, ehh.

Visited my grandma's house after school today, actually - didn't feel like going straight home as usual (slackerish, if you want to think it that way). Apparently my cousin's having a birthday party tomorrow (her birthday was yesterday, my dad was on the 6th /o/), and my grandma told my mum about it but my mum didn't tell me about it. I only knew about it when my grandma and aunt told me about it. :/ Whaaaaat. I know I'm busy and all...but I can make time for that cousin okay, since I did watch her grow up >/

The younger cousin's real big now! I didn't expect to see her running around like crazy, haha! she's a heckload of more trouble than the elder one /o/. Hitting the piano, rolling the chair around and grabbing stuff like nuts. If anyone who knew me saw me acting along with the kid I think I would have to immediately deny that it was me, lmao. That's how...different the image portrayed would be.

Right, enough of my rambling. I shall go to LJ now and maybe do the same or a meme haha. IF I'm bothered. /o/

2009-04-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

Often as I just live day by day I tend to ponder things aimlessly. Today's main topic that kind of stuck in my head for some dumb reason was about idols - after hearing how they can be great motivators for passing the physical ed. test, which is...unfortunately and fortunately true on many cases - and well, what kind of idols are there. Figures, people in fiction or non-fiction whom impress us; these people give us inspiration to learn from and continue to work hard. It may be for good or evil, yet no one would know until the results of such an influence appear which may take seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or even years to notice. Sometimes we don't even realise that we're even trying to follow or like these things so that we can use it as a form of...hm, crap, I forgot what's the English word for 鼓励, oh I just remembered! Encouragement. Yes, that. But we're still indirectly following. Trying to be better, to be more like that person.

Why is there a need for this? To have some unattainable goal? Or to continuously have new goals whenever we change idols? ...okay now whatever, I lost track of that thought. How retarded. Anyway.

More thoughts! I'd suggest anyone who was bored/irritated by the first paragraph to leave now. Since I cannot speak decently well without cracking into Singlish lately, I think I can crap more via words. Somehow. If you're amused, feel free to stay on.

Sometimes I also wonder why people fall in love, have crushes etc. Maybe because it's really rare for me to care about another person to that extent - being the sarcastic, jerk, hot-headed and all sort of evil I can become often - but seriously? It makes me wonder. But seriously, don't try to answer that. Because I want to figure it out myself and not see some...long-cat tag on the tagboard.

Chem test was kaput today. I...just crapped my way around as result - like, I studied the style of eudiometry questions, but when I saw the test question I went into '...huh' state. Haha, pathetic STM again. Looks like I'm done for both lecture tests - I think I'll definitely have to do something related to the arts/humanities for sure, at this rate. Suppose I'll have to spend more money on buying books to practise one whut. Need to do better if I want to maintain all 4 H2s!

I'm bothered by the weighing machine recently - I think it's been playing games with me, eyy. Keeps causing my weight to fluctuate between 55 to 56, hmph. A la Pooh-style - bother, bother.

It's been 3 weeks since I've pierced by ears! Now finally I can wear something else eg. gold besides this pair of earstuds. But I'd rather wait another...2.25 months so that I can wear silver ones lol. Is sterling silver like silver? idk.

Guess it's my turn to organise something for secondary schoolmates. Miss me loads, hard to not miss them whenever I'm on my own.

...okay enough crapping. I'm off to watch Fullmetal Alchemist 2 episode 1 first, heh, before deciding on a further course of action~♪

2009-03-31T03:41:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting, to say in the least. Since it was half day for our school, and since lessons ended way earlier for me at 10am I ate a bit, walked home, took a bath, repacked my bag and went back to school to go for the art excursion. Took the bath because I noticed I kept sleeping in Chinese - the bath helped me stay a bit more alive throughout the...museum trip, yep.

Tagged along with the J2s to go to Christian Lacroix's costume show at the National Museum of Singapore. Was FOC, so yeah, thank goodness - been overeating a bit too much this week so far. The costumes there were amazing, to say in the least - for one who didn't really observe fashion until recently this really opened my eyes. Even though the whole exhibition was in the dark and all, lmao. Shan't post photos here, because my phototaking skills suck and so many are blurred, haha.

After that went to the second gallery - something on interior design? Some of the stuff interested me eg. a photo manipulation picture and some paintings, but the structures and all were about...okay orz.

Kinda sian. I think I twisted/sprained/*something* my right ankle again, while walking to the museum and not noticing the ledge. It hurts a little now, but I'm not telling my parents since it's always been like that. stupid leg, bone, weak ankle skdjklajkld. Lucky no PE tomorrow. But I still have to walk home unless I waste money and take bus, tsk tsk. I feel quite listless now - don't feel like doing Maths at all because I've already attempted what I can do, almost 60-70% of the AP/GP extra questions I have no idea how to do, what. Still have loads of homework.

Felt extra again today. I know I could change it and make myself 'bubbly and hip and blahblah' so that people will...talk to me more, but yeah. I'm just the invisible person again in this group of...what, seemingly rich people? I feel quite inferior actually. Since...my background is almost nothing, I wonder why the teacher even let me in. What did she even see in me? Or was it because she just had to fill up to 12 people in the class and just chucked me in? Everyone's so special. I feel there's nothing, absolutely nothing that unique and has only 'me' written all over it. It's so stupid, feeling...lost and left out. Nobody to talk to, nobody to walk with, nobody to dream with, nobody to daydream with...

...Somehow I still like it that way, though. As...lonely as it can get, sometimes. idk. ergo, self.

I think I'll go emo my self away doing GP, Geog, Chem then Art before anything related to Maths. I know the test is this Thursday, but seriously? I've practised like a nutter, studied enough, if it still doesn't work then I don't know what will.

2009-03-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

I shall use point form because, for the life of me, I seriously can multi-task better if I do blog entry in point form while surfing net for information on PW. fffffff ;;

PW? What PW? I'm rushing it now. ;;
...stupid blasted emergencies thingumajigs requirements
FRAG YOU MATHS.
enough of doing questions that consecutively cannot be deciphered in my head.
weeee I have yet to do any of the latest tutorials/assignments. screw me.
burning midnight oil tiem.
learning korean never got any easier than online lessons.
I'm glad someone praised my Japanese skills /o/
yay getting necklaces tomorrow from Jocelyn yay
shit I have yet to do all my posing and camerashoots for art. dieeeee.
the camera. teacher. fish.
dyslexia+cocoon+person = ??!?!?!?!?!?!
idk.
shall go drown in my work now, bb.

2009-03-27T05:17:00.000-07:00

Aaah dang I can't find any series I really want to watch orz. Whenever I watch a series, I'll...think of making icons of it and skldjaskldjlakj there goes dling :I Bleargh.

Been trying to use photoshop once in a while. Can't believe my eyes when I saw the adobe school package - so many awesome programs for $99, insanity indeed. Dad's agreed to buy it, which is awesome again haha.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying to use perfect English online when almost nobody else does. It..does make me sound/seem like a geek (which I feel often that I am, anyway...) and all the stuff I read are...fail. Anyway.

It's amusing to see people go nuts over the origami frogs I can make lol. Learning it in primary school was worth it, heh~ Good for killing time and all.

Well...I think I'll go off and practise Maths. There's a Maths test next week hmph. And then...Chemistry, Human Geography...kjkljlksj bah. Still have a CG to continue soonish, plus Art composition work mmm~

2009-03-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been some time since the last update. I've...been bored. Or something. Have the holidays been fruitful/useful/etc? I...have not much of an idea. I'm still quite confused on a number of issues, despite the fact that I don't say it out, but yeah...I'm worried and confused. idk.

Relationships with some people never got anymore complicated than this. I'll leave you guys to figure out slooooowly what's going on, but...haha. Seriously, the last person I ever thought would ever get involved in these kind of things would be me orz lolol. Anyway, vague sentence is vague haha.

Homework. Ah, the never-ending stream. Ridiculous, yes, but an unfortunate demand of students XD; Maths is getting...tedious. I dislike having to work out so much. Chemistry is bleargh. I'll...struggle for a while. Geography is okay - but the test was 'brilliante'. Art...is just art. More planning. skjdaklj now doing something on learning disabilities.

Just more multi-tasking again. It's entertaing to torture myself a little that way, but seriously? I know it won't last long haha. I should be falling sick soon enough.../o/

...this post is unique.

2009-03-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

bored with planning for uob painting. don't want to post on livejournal. been spamming plurk too much so didn't want to use there. using this as alt. outlet. been thinking for some time about using something more public and not livejournal. because no one in class seems to use livejournal as a personal blog except me. retarded concept, maybe, but been thinking of doing this for some time.

don't know exactly why what made me want to make a blog again. hated this system before, for the same reason that has landed me here. too public. people insulting on tagboards. a too big world for a person that dislikes too many connections like me sometimes. so many regrets. all put behind now. thankfully.

was looking for blogskins. dislike the given ones. intend to make my own one again sometime soon. html feels so old and vintage, hah. went to look for my old blogskins, those I made 2 years back. made me laugh. it looks so crappy, some of the photoshopping - the drawings as well. cannot believe that growing up has changed me so much. was naive, am still a little naive now, but not so naive as last time. haha.

am wondering if have to go around people's tagboards and tag them that I have a blog now. or will they come instead? want to wait and see. lazy to go and link people, so many people. oh well.

time to go resolve another problem. counselling mode is on again. homework mode is half on, running out of batteries. photoshop mode is fully charged and raring to go. slacker mode is somewhere.

...and if you've noticed, until this very part, I have not used 'I' to refer to myself at all. a lame way of amusing myself, but it is interesting. hahaha. definitely weird me.

...this is amusing.

2009-03-19T04:45:00.000-07:00

I just somehow felt like making a blog. After...what, 4, 5 years of using Livejournal. Since it's safer. Since it's not really...public and all.

I'll probably continue editing the base layout and all. As...lazy as I am, I can't stand not making a blogskin for myself when I can make one myself. It'll take some stupid time to relearn all the HTML I knew and learn the new codes, but I suppose I'll get by.

Still have that domain and journal to change layouts for. It's been too long - I suppose I'm welcoming myself back to Blogger temporarily since...jeebus, everyone uses blogger.